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| If you’re going through hell, keep going. If you find trouble, don’t go around. Go through. Replace your own insecurities with imperfections of what blocks you. The only way to try is to be tried. | | |
| I blink too hard.
I crush my eyelids together and refuse to open them up until
it goes away.
I hold my breath.
I pause my body for a moment, hoping that I can keep the moment where everything
goes away.
I crave sleep.
I countdown from the second my alarm goes off to the one I crawl into bed.
And the day goes away.
Leave me alone!
There is no sorrow and there is no pity,
no sadness, no burdens, no grief.
I wish there was just more time.
More time to do nothing.
More time for everything to go away
so I can have everything.
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| Carlos called me Cello. Wally and I went on an adventure. Kyle and I developed the actual idea of Crap: The Musical. People laughed at my stupid jokes. Khyle, Kyle, and Dandan were my body guards. My carpool made me smile a lot. We made funny faces. We stripped in front of another band warming up. Everything was JQ's fault. There were ghost cookies! We rickrolled everyone when we got back to the school. Clover, Khyle, and Monti did the Single Ladies dance. Khyle and I dropped it like it was hot.
Our performance was better. I had a lot of fun doing our show. We felt like a band, a unit, a group of happy kids. Everyone was nervous before we went on, and that was odd; usually only the new kids are nervous. But it vanished as soon as we started, and it became really fun.
I feel bad for forgetting that we were missing someone, but I don't think I'm the only one. | | |
| This is the kind of rain that makes me want to listen to Death Cab and Youth Group and soft, mellow, acoustic music. This is the kind of rain that makes me want hot chocolate and Christmas songs, and sticking your hands in the jacket pockets of someone you love. This is the kind of rain that makes me think of cliched movie scenes of two people sharing a warm drink and an umbrella while laughing down a wet and abandoned street.
This is the kind of rain that makes me want to bake bread, or pies, or make a nice stew. This is the kind of rain that makes me want to indulge in all the things we seem to overlook in the sun. | | |
| Yesterday morning, I thought I was going to be late to rehearsal. When I was getting ready, I asked my dad to make me a pancake, and he did; that made me really happy. I was sitting at the counter eating my fluffy pancake, letting the good vibes flow. I was excited for the competition, even if I knew we wouldn't do well. But then I went to pour more syrup on my pancake, and the cap came off. I spilled half a bottle of $30 maple syrup all over the counter. I paused to look at the puddle of it and thought, "This better not be how my day goes."
And that is how my entire day went. I'd have something making me really happy, like a fluffy pancake, but then something bad would happen, like the syrup spilling all over the counter. It was being proud of Jeremy for trying really hard to catch up, then Khyle/Kyle/D being injured. It was finally doing a whole run-through of the show without forgetting anything (although it was still a poor run though...), then finding out we have to play at the football game instead of using our extra hour for practice, as originally intended. It was having a really good talk with Kyle on the way to 7-11, then having to go out to the football game in full uniform (although the lack of shakos was nice). It was the car ride with underclassmen, The Beatles, and making faces at the Percussion Girl car, then my mom not knowing where the hell she was going. It was feeling good and having good chops during warmups, then epicfailing during the show. It was relief at the fact that our performance for the evening was over, then the circle around Mr. M. It was laughing with K-Dom while watching other shows ("Well that was anticlimactic..." and "Err'one mourns the wicked, whatwhat!" and "Steven Jr, the giant turd."), then finding the frisbee people huddled around a sick Crystal.
That led to bickering and arguing and lying and stories and disagreements. I walked away in tears, I couldn't stand to see everyone fighting. Khyle found me, and we took a walk. We sat somewhere and talked for a long time. We talked about specific people in band, past years, maturity, family, each other, ourselves, the future, and I felt better. We walked around some more and eventually made our way back towards the parking lot. Fanene found us. He knew I was upset because he saw me walking away earlier. He asked what happened, I did the same. Apparently everyone was okay, and they were goofing off around the truck. I'm glad I missed it to be upset.
We went to watch the last few shows, which was fun. Khyle and Kyle were fighting over JQ, and I was in the middle of it. Dandan came by, and Kyle ended up whoring himself with both Johns. I rubbed Khyle's back, Jeremy put his head on my knees, and Monti gave me a massage. We established nicknames like ThangDuVeryMuch (Thang), Captain Crotchwater (Daniel), DingSing (D), and Bojangles (Jeremy). The announcer liked to shout the names of schools, and Jessica Schuler licked JQ's shoe for a dollar. We didn't do chants, which was kind of sad but also kind of nice. We got our scores and nobody was surprised, and for a moment, everything felt okay.
Then the maple syrup spilled; Mr. M had a talk with us all at the truck before we left. It was discouraging, and it was true. He mentioned the band having cliques and not being as unified as he'd like. I agree, we are not very close this year. And with everyone getting mad at each other earlier in the evening, it seemed even more true. During our show, I heard a field show judge say something about being "very disjointed." I know better than to let the comments I hear stick with me during the performance, but afterwards I couldn't shake it, and I still can't. It's true; our music is not together, our feet are not together, and I really do believe there's a correlation between those things and us, as a group, not being together.
It's not supposed to be like this. I said that to Khyle during our talk. This season is not supposed to feel like this. We're supposed to be a family, a group, a unit. But our show and our academics and our personalities are clashing.
We are disjointed. | | |
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