|
| But what do I say? It hasn't quite hit me yet, the end of marching season. And some people wonder why I randomly get so emotional about it. It's not like I'm a senior; I have next year.
At least, I hope I do. We need to recruit like crazy. This year, our band had 29 people. Sixteen of them are seniors. Next year could very well be a parade/pep band if we don't do something about it. And that's devastating. I will be a four year senior next year, along with D. And it breaks my heart to think that we might not have four years of field show, and we might not get the recognition that all the seniors this year did, especially the four year ones.
And seeing this year's seniors at their last competition, their last AHS field show, is a big deal for me. A lot of these people have defined marching band for me, a lot of these people are the main reason I even joined. Thinking about how they're done now is a crazy thought.
Both of those ideas flood into my head at random times. The most was right after our show when Mr. M was talking to us. Wally and Beth were crying, I think I saw Fanene tearing up, and I couldn't help it. It was the most intense when Wally was going to dismiss us, and she couldn't give the command right away because she was so emotional. It also hit me during dinner as the seniors ate in the truck, and everyone else ate outside. I looked around and thought, "This is what's left." It was nice because I'm really glad we have who we do, but it was also very scary; there's not that many of us.
It hit me again the next day when we were watching Grand Championships. I was overwhelmed with sadness and pride. It's absolutely heartbreaking that the chances of our marching band ever doing really well and being competitive while I'm at Arroyo are next to none. It's absolutely heartbreaking to think that I might never be a member of a winning band. I wonder what that feels like. I wonder what Independence HS feels when they get amazing scores and captions and sweepstakes. I wonder what Wally feels when she watches their DM, whom she knows, receive awards and trophies. Their show was beautiful. Even watching it from backfield almost made me cry. But I am so proud to be part of such an amazing group, an amazing activity, and an amazing organization either way. Watching other shows makes me happy; I love marching band. It's so much work and it pays off in the end for people. I'm incredibly happy I'm a part of it in general.
Regardless of any emotional ambiguity or distress, I've come out of this weekend with high spirits. There was no frustration, no disjointedness, no secrets, and no disappointments. We were all happy to be with each other, happy with our less than 70 score, and it means a lot that we waiting for the truck to arrive at the school so we could all unload it.
I'm left with mostly good feelings about marching band, both this year and next. I'm glad we ended it better than it had been all season, I'm happy for the seniors being able to get all the recognition they have, I'm proud to be in band, I'm worried about the status of next year, but I'm optimistic that there's a chance we could pull it together.
As Derek said during awards, "I love this band! We fail, fail, fail, then do great by the very end!"
| | |
| I repeat myself a lot.
I've been obsessing lately. I find good things, and I hold onto them for as long as I can. I swear, all I seem to talk about these days is how cool I think Mr. Brown is. It's starting to get a little old, and I'm honestly starting to creep myself out a little.
Championships are this weekend. I don't know how to feel; it really doesn't feel like it. It almost seems like this season is already over. I hate how okay I am with that illusion. It's unsettling how content I am with the fact that marching band has been pretty disappointing this year. I'm ready to enjoy the last few days of marching band, possibly forever, but I can't help but kick myself for settling. I'm settling for a lackluster season, both in performance and in personalities. And as these words appear on my screen, it's hitting me a little more. This is really the end of it, and it's likely to be the end of it forever. I've been saying that I'm treating this season as my last, but I really haven't. And now seeing "possibly forever" and "the end" written out like this, I don't know how to feel.
Life is boring in that sort of way that makes me want change, but not necessarily require it. I'm fine with the way things are, but I wouldn't mind if they changed a little.
Change is so weird if you think about it beyond its face value.
This is very random. Tumblr has taught me how to muse, but I have forgotten how to blog. | | |
| If you’re going through hell, keep going. If you find trouble, don’t go around. Go through. Replace your own insecurities with imperfections of what blocks you. The only way to try is to be tried. | | |
| I blink too hard.
I crush my eyelids together and refuse to open them up until
it goes away.
I hold my breath.
I pause my body for a moment, hoping that I can keep the moment where everything
goes away.
I crave sleep.
I countdown from the second my alarm goes off to the one I crawl into bed.
And the day goes away.
Leave me alone!
There is no sorrow and there is no pity,
no sadness, no burdens, no grief.
I wish there was just more time.
More time to do nothing.
More time for everything to go away
so I can have everything.
| | |
| Carlos called me Cello. Wally and I went on an adventure. Kyle and I developed the actual idea of Crap: The Musical. People laughed at my stupid jokes. Khyle, Kyle, and Dandan were my body guards. My carpool made me smile a lot. We made funny faces. We stripped in front of another band warming up. Everything was JQ's fault. There were ghost cookies! We rickrolled everyone when we got back to the school. Clover, Khyle, and Monti did the Single Ladies dance. Khyle and I dropped it like it was hot.
Our performance was better. I had a lot of fun doing our show. We felt like a band, a unit, a group of happy kids. Everyone was nervous before we went on, and that was odd; usually only the new kids are nervous. But it vanished as soon as we started, and it became really fun.
I feel bad for forgetting that we were missing someone, but I don't think I'm the only one. | | |
|
