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| It went by incredibly fast. I spent most of the time with Teresa, we talked, took Photobooth pictures, and talked some more. It was nice to see Sammy and Nikki again, too. They're so charming. Sammy, Teresa and I were talking about boobs. That conversation ultimately ended up with Sammy being the "accessible awkward one," Teresa being "the intimidating one," and me being "the hot one." I don't quite agree with that, but I could last night. I looked really really nice. I might go to the movies on Saturday with Greg and some of the Aunties.
Now that the holiday is over, I'm going to have less to distract myself from the slightly annoying "Ireallymissmyboyfriend" syndrome. After everyone left last night, I had one of those moments when I realized how lucky and how happy I am, and it was nice. But he's having fun with his family, and I'm happy for that. Family is nice.
Christmas. Oh, god. Christmas. Pulling Secret Santa names last night got me really excited. But the thought of a few weeks of school, even if it is just a few weeks, is killing me. I don't want to go back. School kind of sucks a lot, and I hate that it does. I can still have good days at school, but it's tiring and monotonous and everything feels like molasses. Now that MB is over, though, the freed up time could help. I should start Driver's Ed stuff. College research crap.
Krystina and I agree; we can't wait to leave Arroyo and go to college, but all the crap we have to do before we get there is kind of a punch in the face.
My blogs have no theme, they're quite random. But I'm reacquainting myself with Xanga. Tumblr stole my eloquence.
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| Starbucks, how I hate to love thee.
I thought today was Tuesday, so I corrected Greg when he said Glee was on tonight. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, because today is Wednesday. I'm excited, but it really doesn't feel like it. Teresa's not here, my dad's not here, I really don't feel like my favorite holiday is tomorrow. But it is. I have a lot to do. I probably should've done more today.
Glee is on tonight. I usually watch it with Jason, but he's in Ohio. He was so sweet, texting me from the airport at odd hours of the morning (pacific time).
I listened to Liz shower last night. Then we talked about people and couples. Band kids, we're the same group of people. And as much as I love that group, we've become predictable in our antics. And I've also realized that we're in a self-contained dating pool. Monti, Beth, and I are chilling on the patio with our not-band-kid significant others. Wally is watching from the kitchen, eating all the food and saying, "Oh my lord..." a lot. Clover and Lara are just chilling in the hot tub, completely uninvolved with anyone else. But Clover was there first, and others wanted to get in at some point. And it seems like everyone else is swimming around in the pool with each other. It's like trying to see how many different ways can we pair up the same handfuls of people in a span of like, six years. That's gross, if you think about it. Especially because some of the relationships that are no more lasted a damn long time. It's almost like incest, in a twisted kind of way.
But whatever, I don't meddle. I wish everyone well in their chlorine-infested relationships. Even mine has some weirdness. Childhood friends of my sister and close friends with another close (?) friend of mine? A little weird to think about sometimes. I think he got bored with the house party down the block and decided to join us, only to see everyone raping each other in the pool.
Weird analogies. I'm going to go clean now (Hahahah).
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| And I hate to sound like a silly love sick teenager, because I think it's a little pathetic sometimes.
But I'm very happy to have Jason in my life. He never fails at making me smile, and he's really understanding and supportive, even when I'm being a psycho. And it's not that words can't describe it, because they can. It's that I don't really want them to. These feelings don't need to be belittled by having face value. So just believe me when I say, quite simply, that my boyfriend makes me happy. | | |
| But what do I say? It hasn't quite hit me yet, the end of marching season. And some people wonder why I randomly get so emotional about it. It's not like I'm a senior; I have next year.
At least, I hope I do. We need to recruit like crazy. This year, our band had 29 people. Sixteen of them are seniors. Next year could very well be a parade/pep band if we don't do something about it. And that's devastating. I will be a four year senior next year, along with D. And it breaks my heart to think that we might not have four years of field show, and we might not get the recognition that all the seniors this year did, especially the four year ones.
And seeing this year's seniors at their last competition, their last AHS field show, is a big deal for me. A lot of these people have defined marching band for me, a lot of these people are the main reason I even joined. Thinking about how they're done now is a crazy thought.
Both of those ideas flood into my head at random times. The most was right after our show when Mr. M was talking to us. Wally and Beth were crying, I think I saw Fanene tearing up, and I couldn't help it. It was the most intense when Wally was going to dismiss us, and she couldn't give the command right away because she was so emotional. It also hit me during dinner as the seniors ate in the truck, and everyone else ate outside. I looked around and thought, "This is what's left." It was nice because I'm really glad we have who we do, but it was also very scary; there's not that many of us.
It hit me again the next day when we were watching Grand Championships. I was overwhelmed with sadness and pride. It's absolutely heartbreaking that the chances of our marching band ever doing really well and being competitive while I'm at Arroyo are next to none. It's absolutely heartbreaking to think that I might never be a member of a winning band. I wonder what that feels like. I wonder what Independence HS feels when they get amazing scores and captions and sweepstakes. I wonder what Wally feels when she watches their DM, whom she knows, receive awards and trophies. Their show was beautiful. Even watching it from backfield almost made me cry. But I am so proud to be part of such an amazing group, an amazing activity, and an amazing organization either way. Watching other shows makes me happy; I love marching band. It's so much work and it pays off in the end for people. I'm incredibly happy I'm a part of it in general.
Regardless of any emotional ambiguity or distress, I've come out of this weekend with high spirits. There was no frustration, no disjointedness, no secrets, and no disappointments. We were all happy to be with each other, happy with our less than 70 score, and it means a lot that we waiting for the truck to arrive at the school so we could all unload it.
I'm left with mostly good feelings about marching band, both this year and next. I'm glad we ended it better than it had been all season, I'm happy for the seniors being able to get all the recognition they have, I'm proud to be in band, I'm worried about the status of next year, but I'm optimistic that there's a chance we could pull it together.
As Derek said during awards, "I love this band! We fail, fail, fail, then do great by the very end!"
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| I repeat myself a lot.
I've been obsessing lately. I find good things, and I hold onto them for as long as I can. I swear, all I seem to talk about these days is how cool I think Mr. Brown is. It's starting to get a little old, and I'm honestly starting to creep myself out a little.
Championships are this weekend. I don't know how to feel; it really doesn't feel like it. It almost seems like this season is already over. I hate how okay I am with that illusion. It's unsettling how content I am with the fact that marching band has been pretty disappointing this year. I'm ready to enjoy the last few days of marching band, possibly forever, but I can't help but kick myself for settling. I'm settling for a lackluster season, both in performance and in personalities. And as these words appear on my screen, it's hitting me a little more. This is really the end of it, and it's likely to be the end of it forever. I've been saying that I'm treating this season as my last, but I really haven't. And now seeing "possibly forever" and "the end" written out like this, I don't know how to feel.
Life is boring in that sort of way that makes me want change, but not necessarily require it. I'm fine with the way things are, but I wouldn't mind if they changed a little.
Change is so weird if you think about it beyond its face value.
This is very random. Tumblr has taught me how to muse, but I have forgotten how to blog. | | |
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