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| There's magic where you make it.I don't understand my thinking sometimes, but I can be a real cynic. I can be a self-loathing, selfish, crass bitch. But it comes and goes. You know what they say: "If you're going through hell, keep going."
Because things get better. And sometimes you have to just make them better because you're sick of feeling so shitty. People tell me everything will be okay, and I end up telling myself the same thing later. And everything ends up being okay. And in some cases, better than such. Like right now. Today.
This morning, I felt shitty. I felt shitty pretty much right until practice started. I felt so stuck and hating myself and what I was (or wasn't) doing. I felt stupid for some stuff that I don't feel stupid for anymore. And I was letting my own problems bleed into thoughts about my relationship, and I felt like I was accidentally murdering magic because I was so fucked up on my own. But that's not the case.
So thank you, Jason. Thank you for telling me (multiple times) that everything will be okay. Thank you for taking me tonight. Thank you for being okay with the fact that I get introspective and irritable sometimes. Thank you for telling me I'm beautiful. Thank you for doodle wars, Tony Danza, ridiculous faces, the cute song, and losing the game. But most of all, thank you for understanding. I really like that you still think of me the way you do when I'm being a pessimistic mental case.
I only wish that side of me didn't come around as much and as violently as it does. | | |
| Maybe....I didn't go to practice today. I wasn't busy. I wasn't sick. I just didn't go. Teresa and Jason were here. I didn't want to go, so I called Nabonne and told her not to pick me up. It wasn't a huge deal, it's a Thursday rehearsal. I need to memorize my march still. I didn't feel badly about it at all, but for some reason... I feel like I should've.
Why do I find myself not caring about marching band as much? I still love it and I love the people, but I don't feel as... intensely as I have before. My best guess is because it's the Fourth of July parade we're doing now, and I loathe that. I loathe all parades, especially this one. Maybe I don't feel ready for the responsibility of being lead, yet. Maybe I subconsciously want to separate myself from the people because I know they're leaving at the end of the school year. And that's unreasonable since that day is still so far off. Maybe I just really didn't want to go today. That's probably it. I was with two of my favorite people in the world and I was too happy and under too strong a spell to want to leave them. So I'm sorry, band. I'm sorry I didn't show up for two hours today because I was happier without you.
That sounded a lot colder than I meant it to be; I'm sorry.
I think I'm getting really tired because my thoughts are becoming pessimistic. Maybe I should run the dishwasher then go to bed.
I wish I had more fluent and eloquent thoughts to blog about. As much as I love my apparently poetic and cryptic ambiguities of blogs, I also miss the ones that flowed well, the ones that had a real point to them instead of this air of mystery and secrets. I feel like I'm keeping secrets from you, Xanga. But maybe I'm not keeping secrets. Maybe I'm just keeping thoughts to myself. I have to remember that this isn't a diary, it's a blog. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are too out there to post on the internet. I feel like this is where I should feel comfortable typing out those thoughts, but I don't. Not anymore. And I don't know why.
I hope this mark on my neck fades before work tomorrow. I have to put up my hair and Veronica's going to give me so much shit if she sees it. >__>
  
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| Word Flush: June 22, 2009- 7:46PMI feel like my universe is so much bigger than the confinement of these four walls. like i can reach up and tear a piece of sky to give to you. because to me, the sky is perfect. the sky is reliable. the sky is the most amazing and honorable thing in this world. and you deserve that. you make me feel infinite, like i could be the sky. like we're all connected by this endless abyss of blue. and i want to give sky to you. i want to give you the universe, the whole entire thing. i want to give you something beyond these walls and these halls and i feel like i could. i feel like i could look up and see perfection and turn my head to you and nothing would change. because you're perfect.
i'm not even controlling my words, i'm letting go of all thought of thoughts and typing what crosses my mind, and the fact that i said you're perfect came out astounds me. because i never say that. i never build myself up with exaggerations anymore only to be let down when things change. but the spontaneity of my thoughts and this motion and this waterfall of emotion and words is magic and beauty and there's more truth in thoughtless thoughts than there is in a thought that's been picked clean to be said with the "right" words. but the right words are the ones originally thought of; they're raw and fresh and young and the most honest part of the brain.
i don't care if i'm missing punctuation and capitals and everything that writing is supposed to be. because sometimes raw thoughts are the best writing, and raw thought are too quick to be thought of and analyzed and made "perfect."
sometimes things are perfect in their imperfection.
the sky will storm, but it still remains beautiful.
hurricanes come and go, but there's beauty in everything. there's magic where you make it. and there's love where you can take it.
let's take it on a walk. on a run. let's take it with us and put it in our pockets and carry it around like a favorite photograph. because it's raw. it's real. it's love. it's us.
it's perfect. | | |
| My words only come in the dark of the night in the hours where no one can see them.
And if I were to utter them in any sort of light, I know no one would believe them.
So what about night makes my words come alive?
What about night brings me bliss?
What's wrong with the sun that I can't think in her light?
What's night got that day seems to miss?
(you win if you know what song the lyric in that icon is from. i doubt anyone does, though.) | | |
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